Posts Tagged ‘ritalin’

Repeat

Posted: September 2, 2011 in depression
Tags: ,

This is a very similar post to my previous post about Ritalin, but this issue dominates my life.

Also, I originally thought this would be a space about my experiences in medicine and how autism effects my views but I seem to be on a mental illness kick. Considering not many people read this and it helps me a little to get things in physical writing, I will continue to write whatever I feel at that time.

I am laying in bed alone, I feel hopeless and overwhelmed. A vast empty abyss is growing in me. During the day I am having trouble returning the small talk normal people require because my focus is set inward. Doesn’t inward focus sound good? Well for me it’s a toxin. I turn my intelligence and ability to spot weakness on myself. I tear myself up over little things, I don’t let anything slip by. My emotions are very fragile during this, for example, I almost cried when someone wouldn’t sit with me.

It’s only been a week since I stopped taking ritalin because I was feeling stable. This quite a quick decline, sometimes I can last a month. I am at the bottom, I fall asleep planning little details of my suicide. I plan item lists, locations, and imagine how it would feel. This relaxes me enough to sleep.

Sleep..all I want to do is sleep. If I allow myself I’d sleep 18 hours a day. Dreams are so much better than reality, I get to feel the rush of serotonin in my dreams. I actually get to have good feelings in them as to opposed to the negativity that dominates my life.

I suppose I will take a Ritalin this morning as I feel my interpersonal relationships at work crumble. I am purposely distancing myself and reducing how much I talk. I lack the urge to “mirror” their facial expressions.

I just dread that high, speedy feeling. I am not looking forward to feeling my thoughts race and feeling anxious. It’s so much more comfortable for me to be slowed down and depressed.

Ritalin my enemy

Posted: August 18, 2011 in depression
Tags: , ,

My heart is pounding against my chest, I feel the tremendous force of its impact against me and it’s uncomfortable. My mouth is dry and tacky reminding me of when I fast from liquids. My eyes are darting around and it’s hard to focus on anything for too long.

My mind follows this pattern, skipping thoughts and subjects at a rapid pace. I barely can keep with the speed of my thoughts, I wonder If this is what mania or ADHD feels like? It’s hard for me to talk to people as my mind wants to go faster and faster.

I have a deep pit in the bottom of my stomach. My body and mind are telling me I did something really horrible, like run someone over, and I’ll be caught. I try to review my life, and I can’t find a real event that causes this.

This is why I have a love/hate relationship with Ritalin. Whereas it helps reduce my suicidal thoughts and helps give me emotional stability it comes at a cost.

I also hate how it works. I hate how I can be planning my “end”, take the medication, and an hour¬†later I am hopping all over the place. But of course it works, it’s based on amphetamine. Wouldn’t even a normal happy person feel better with such a stimulant? SSRIs, like prozac, take 4-6 weeks to take effect, so isn’t it wrong to have my mood elevated in 30 minutes?

It feels dirty, like an illegal high. Like I am doing something wrong that I shouldn’t be doing.

Can’t I get thru this by my intelligence alone? I have gotten in and completed an ivy league education and medical school with moderate effort, so can’t I overcome this problem with my mind alone? If I am so smart why can’t I apply it to this situation and overcome it?

“Compare it to a diabetic who needs insulin, are they weak¬†for needing medicine?” is what I’d tell a patient who thinks antidepressants are for the weak. But this is different. Ritalin is an instant up with a noticeable downslope. It comes out of the system in hours. It’s abused so that people will feel better. No one takes Prozac without prescription for fun!