Posts Tagged ‘mental illness’

It is the third year of my medical school and I am in a psychiatric ER, against my will, and on the phone with my course director who states the dean promises that they will treat this incident just like any other acute illness requiring hospitalization.

How did I get there? I think it was a perfect storm. Sure, almost every month I have times where I am actively planning every little detail of my death, but this time was different. It was Ramadan thus I was fasting from food/liquid and because of this I had not taken my Ritalin for 2 weeks or so. At first it wasn’t going so bad but suddenly, or so it seems to me, I started crying at the slightest thing. People would make tiny criticisms and I’d just fall apart.

It was also the anniversary of my grandmothers death, who you know was very close to me. I could feel the fear and apprehension of actually having to face it start to mount.

My wife was also pregnant and in her last weeks. I did not feel prepared, I did not feel like I should be a father.

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The abyss

Posted: August 6, 2011 in depression
Tags: , ,

I sit on the couch, all of my muscles feel exhausted even though I have over slept by 4 hours. My thoughts form slowly, my mind working at sluggish speeds. Even though it is just the beginning of the day I feel like I have run a marathon and then had to take a 2 hours calculus test. It is almost like I am drugged, dragging myself thru a fog.

In addition to this exhaustion I am have no interest in common things. I can’t find myself caring about anything, I am not drawn to music or hobbies. Thinking about playing guitar, or even going outside seem like unobtainable goals.

But worst of all is the feeling of being alone. I feel unattached to anyone. No connections to the outside world. I float along thru the mass of humans with no attachment to the masses. It feels like a dark abyss, large and empty. Surrounded by a gulf of darkness. My body remains untouched, my skin isolated from the electricity of humanity.

My mind tells me to escape. To do anything possible to leave my current situation. I am like an animal who is caught in a cage, my vision is narrow and I can only think of the immediate present. I am unable to visualize the future and the consequences.