Posted: September 2, 2011 in depression
Tags: ,

This is a very similar post to my previous post about Ritalin, but this issue dominates my life.

Also, I originally thought this would be a space about my experiences in medicine and how autism effects my views but I seem to be on a mental illness kick. Considering not many people read this and it helps me a little to get things in physical writing, I will continue to write whatever I feel at that time.

I am laying in bed alone, I feel hopeless and overwhelmed. A vast empty abyss is growing in me. During the day I am having trouble returning the small talk normal people require because my focus is set inward. Doesn’t inward focus sound good? Well for me it’s a toxin. I turn my intelligence and ability to spot weakness on myself. I tear myself up over little things, I don’t let anything slip by. My emotions are very fragile during this, for example, I almost cried when someone wouldn’t sit with me.

It’s only been a week since I stopped taking ritalin because I was feeling stable. This quite a quick decline, sometimes I can last a month. I am at the bottom, I fall asleep planning little details of my suicide. I plan item lists, locations, and imagine how it would feel. This relaxes me enough to sleep.

Sleep..all I want to do is sleep. If I allow myself I’d sleep 18 hours a day. Dreams are so much better than reality, I get to feel the rush of serotonin in my dreams. I actually get to have good feelings in them as to opposed to the negativity that dominates my life.

I suppose I will take a Ritalin this morning as I feel my interpersonal relationships at work crumble. I am purposely distancing myself and reducing how much I talk. I lack the urge to “mirror” their facial expressions.

I just dread that high, speedy feeling. I am not looking forward to feeling my thoughts race and feeling anxious. It’s so much more comfortable for me to be slowed down and depressed.

  1. Paper Tiger says:

    thank you for writing this. i can relate. i am concerned, hope returning to Ritalin helps to alleviate some of your suffering. do you think the “crash” is somewhat due to Ritalin? or do you think it is representative of how you typically experience the recurrent depression? has there been any difference in the intensity or way the depression manifests itself when it returns since you’ve been on Ritalin, after you try to get off of it? are there any other alternatives to treat the depression, aside from traditional SSRIs or Ritalin? i was waiting for the second installment of the Part I of your last blog post about anxiety, but this post is very enlightening and relatable. thanks for being brave enough to be frank.—sebrina (

  2. girljanitor says:

    Have you considered a life change? I sometimes find that taking myself out of context lends desperately needed perspective. I myself am autistic, and I’ve suffered crippling bouts of depression and anxiety in my life.

    • I am very late replying to this – but my life has tremendously changed…

      At one point — I was spending close to half of the year in and out of mental hospitals…

      Now, I am a physician, working 50+ hour weeks, taking care of people in a professional setting, and also raising a son.

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