Archive for September, 2011

Repeat

Posted: September 2, 2011 in depression
Tags: ,

This is a very similar post to my previous post about Ritalin, but this issue dominates my life.

Also, I originally thought this would be a space about my experiences in medicine and how autism effects my views but I seem to be on a mental illness kick. Considering not many people read this and it helps me a little to get things in physical writing, I will continue to write whatever I feel at that time.

I am laying in bed alone, I feel hopeless and overwhelmed. A vast empty abyss is growing in me. During the day I am having trouble returning the small talk normal people require because my focus is set inward. Doesn’t inward focus sound good? Well for me it’s a toxin. I turn my intelligence and ability to spot weakness on myself. I tear myself up over little things, I don’t let anything slip by. My emotions are very fragile during this, for example, I almost cried when someone wouldn’t sit with me.

It’s only been a week since I stopped taking ritalin because I was feeling stable. This quite a quick decline, sometimes I can last a month. I am at the bottom, I fall asleep planning little details of my suicide. I plan item lists, locations, and imagine how it would feel. This relaxes me enough to sleep.

Sleep..all I want to do is sleep. If I allow myself I’d sleep 18 hours a day. Dreams are so much better than reality, I get to feel the rush of serotonin in my dreams. I actually get to have good feelings in them as to opposed to the negativity that dominates my life.

I suppose I will take a Ritalin this morning as I feel my interpersonal relationships at work crumble. I am purposely distancing myself and reducing how much I talk. I lack the urge to “mirror” their facial expressions.

I just dread that high, speedy feeling. I am not looking forward to feeling my thoughts race and feeling anxious. It’s so much more comfortable for me to be slowed down and depressed.